


Even birds are tied to the sky

by Furud



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 15:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5831650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Furud/pseuds/Furud
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If he makes a wrong move or speaks too loud Dan might break. And if Dan breaks he will break too, and God knows who would be there to pick up the pieces. He’s afraid of breaking Dan, of Dan hating him, of Dan leaving. Of not being able to get over Dan if he decides to leave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even birds are tied to the sky

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mei Fang](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Mei+Fang).



*

It shouldn’t be like this.

“Look” says Dan, pointing at the moon through the cab’s window.

The moon looks like it’s following them and Dan keeps looking at it and Phil _hates_ it, because he can’t stop looking at him instead.

He is sitting at the other side of the cab, always so careful not to even graze each other when they are out in public. Always so out of reach. Just like the moon.

What’s the point in being next to someone, and still miss them.

They say that fooling others is easier than fooling yourself, but in this case it’s the same.

*

“Do you want to go out?”

Dan is scrolling in his laptop, and he doesn’t even look up to reply “Not really”

They have been living together for a year, and already so much has changed. There are so many things he wishes he could still do. Like hugging, or spending time together ‘just cuz’. Like not having to avoid Dan’s eyes every time he comes out of his bedroom looking sadder, looking thinner.

“Dan…”

“I said no”

Like the way they could walk with their hearts on their sleeves, which even for normal people takes balls to do so, and be together in front of the world, saying _I love you_ over their caramel macchiato at Starbucks.

He’s not that person anymore.

He wishes he could let himself be it again.

*

Both of them are extra aware of every touch, of every word, typed or said out loud.

He takes another picture of Dan while he’s looking the other way. He knows so little about him, and still he’s the person that knows him better in the whole world, or so Dan used to say. What Phil is certain about is that no one loves Dan more than he does.

Dan knows it, and maybe that’s why he shies away every time Phil gets too close. Like any wild animal, cornered when you try to catch them.

If this was a fucking simple world, there would be something telling you: "Now you have to keep trying" or "Now you have to give up" in big neon signs over your head in any situation. But there isn't, and people need to keep going and figure it out by themselves every time.

If you take a step and then another over and over, you will get somewhere. It may be a good place, or a place even worse, but you keep moving.

And that’s what they do, in the uncertainty. The BBC keeps calling, the phone ringing and echoing when they pick it up with shaky hands, and they need to do _so much._ They don't have time to take to figure it out, and they get so busy that when they fall asleep, being in the same bed or not doesn't seem that relevant.

*

Another day, another door almost slammed by Dan on his way out.

Phil sighs, tiredly letting his head rest on the couch. They are just back from flat hunting in London, and they got recognized on the street, not so many times but enough to make Dan jittery and tense.

It’s not like he doesn’t _get it_. But people will talk, all the time. It doesn’t matter what they do or don’t do, _they_   will come up with some absurd theory that might even be true, who cares.

Dan cares.

Dan cares so much, and when he hears him crying at the other side of the door he clenches his fists, fighting the urge to go get him. It does no good these days.

They could run away. Just escape. Stop making videos, let people forget about them, get another job.

Except both of them love what they do, even in the bad days.

He cranks his neck to looks outside. A pigeon is standing in the edge of the window and when Phil looks, he suddenly flies away. It’s already autumn, and they can’t just escape this whole mess, they can’t just fly away.

And even birds are tied to the sky.

*

He feels like he's pushing it, the whole time; when he tries to hold his hand, when he kisses Dan’s neck and slides his hands under his shirt  Even if Dan doesn’t says no, even if he kisses back and asks for more.

Maybe he’s pushing for things that happened one time, things that break and maybe never got back together quite right.

But as friends, as more, as whatever they have between them. Dan makes his life complete, with his self called hobbit hair, his awkward smile, the awful singing in the shower, his passion about completely unnecessary symmetry, the eight different faces he makes before crying and the way his body feels soft and warm and _right_ against Phil’s when he can’t sleep at 2am.

It’s a bit of everything, and their lives are already so much fused together that every little thing reminds Phil about him.

He doesn’t know how to quit him. Even if Dan leaves, even if it ends up not working, he can’t go back. The truth is, he doesn’t know how he can be back to be just Phil Lester without Daniel Howell anymore.

*

Despite all the children pranks he played on him Martyn has always been a good big brother, and he helps them when they move out from Manchester. It’s oddly comforting, having him there, filling the silences with his calm voice.

It gives them a break they both need, to be able to talk with each other while they do something else, while someone else is in the room too.

It’s easier to talk when you are not looking into his eyes. It’s easier to lie this way.

 _Best friend_ s, they say. _Friends_ , says Dan harshly, with tense shoulders and through gritted teeth, especially if he’s having a particularly nasty day with those fans that keep insisting they are more, _We are just friends, guys_.

He plays his part. He jokes, he talks as much about him in his videos and liveshows as much as a roommate or a friend should do. A perfect case of platonic love, but aren’t all the platonic loves indeed perfect?

Dan’s hand brushes against his when they both reach for a box, and both of them take their hand back sharply and look at the door, but Martyn is loading their things on his car, downstairs.

This is ridiculous, Phil thinks.

 _Go ahead_ says Dan, and moves to get another box, checking it’s content again, unnecessarily.

The air feels thick, even if it’s only him and Dan ~~(and all the promises they made to each other occupying the rest of the space, like the elephant no one speaks about)~~

*

_How much do you love me?_

Dan is writhing above him and Phil is afraid of gripping his hips too hard. If he makes a wrong move or speaks too loud Dan might break. And if Dan breaks he would break too, and God knows who would be there to pick up the pieces. He’s afraid of breaking Dan, of Dan hating him, of Dan leaving. Of not being able to get over Dan if he decides to leave.

He’s scared.

There are some things Phil doesn’t say, not because he’s hiding them, but because Dan already knows. It’s not necessary to say it out loud.

 _Too much,_ he answers, thrusting up

 _Not enough_ mutters Dan, before his voice dissolves into grunts and quiet moans.

If i loved you less maybe i might be able to talk about it more, someone said once. Maybe if he loved Dan less they wouldn’t have to hide it, like a shameful secret, anymore.

*

Nothing is forever; his brain tries to tell him while he deletes yet another upload of the video that should never have been seen by anyone else but them. But the internet certainly makes it seem that some things are.

He closes the laptop when he finishes, frustrated, and plays with a sticker that’s peeling off. He is Dan’s room, which has been also his room since Dan has taken to sleep on the couch.

_“Hey”_

He looks up. Dan is at the door and, he looks _so young_. Sometimes Phil feels like a bad man for wanting him all for himself, and maybe he _should_ let him go, but Dan is hesitating in the door, he’s has the duvet over his shoulders and the fabric is slightly dragging on the floor, and looks at him almost shyly, as if Phil would even think about saying no. ~~As if he could~~.

_“Get in”_

Now, Phil is not a science guy, but he knows enough about the string theory to believe in it. It sounds logical that there must be thousands of other universes out there, timelines where Phil didn’t met Dan, where maybe he or Dan didn’t even existed.

But he can’t imagine how any of his other selves would not fall in love with Dan all over again, as he watches him awkwardly shuffling into bed, curling beside Phil and closing his eyes.

So many things have gone wrong, so many bad decisions made. Maybe they are not okay, maybe they are still light years away from okay, but a start is a start.

Talking can wait.

*

 _You only have one chance at living this life dear_ , used to say his grandma

He intends to do with his time the most of it. It’s cold and clouded outside, and he can see the first drops of rain through Dan’s window. Dan’s curly hair is tickling his nose and their legs are tangled.

They have a ton of things to unpack still, a demo of their first radio show to plan and food to cook. That’s for later, though. In that moment that’s all he wants, to be in their tiny cozy fortress away from everything that's not Dan's brown eyes peering at him sleepily.

_“I love you”_

If you find your home, the world outside doesn’t look so bad.

_“I love you too”_

 

fin

**Author's Note:**

> This is 100% inspired in Nate (plantboylester) beautiful fic:  
> http://plantfics.tumblr.com/post/125415735830/fill-dont-give-me-up  
> and in Mei Fang gorgeous artwork of it:  
> http://ganqing.tumblr.com/post/120510749828/how-much-do-you-love-me-too-much-not
> 
> Seriously it's practically the same fic just Phil's pov. I really hope i made it justice but who am i kidding it doesnt.


End file.
